Hello, from the ever changing Tanner house!! As I mentioned in my earlier post we are moving to the Chicago area. God has burdened our heart for the area and the people. We talked before we got married and shared our hearts with each other for ministry and Chicago and so we decided that we would make that our home and follow God's leading. SO since I hadn't actually ever been to Chicago we decided to go for our honeymoon. As we were riding around on the subway, I saw this older woman sitting on the seat across from me and our eyes met briefly and it broke my heart. She was weary from what I assumed was working all day and her eyes were void of hope, Almost three months later I still see those eyes and I pray for her. She is just one of thousands.
We had decided to move in January, prayed and then moved it to March, prayed some more and since our help (my Mom and Dad) needed a date so they could work out vacation we settled on April 15th. Well we have been looking for a place to live online and praying for God to lead us to the perfect place, rent in that area is about twice or more then it is here in Cleveland, TN so the right place had to also be the right price and that was proving challenging. Our pastor Kevin Wallace preached this past Wednesday night about "putting a prayer wheel" on things that just didn't seem to move and so I did. Well while searching on our favorite realty site and we found several places. One of which is rent to own. So we will be making a spontaneous trip to Illinois Sunday to look at several places and may be moving sooner than we thought. Please pray for us on this journey and for God to lead each and every step along the way. I can see so many area as where he is working and moving on our behalf. He has given me a vision for a women and children's ministry and that I covet your prayers for walking into.
Friday, January 20, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
So this is what it looks like.....
Since my last post a ton has changed, and I do mean a ton!!
In my last two posts, I mentioned a guy. In one I called him my "in it to win it buddy" little did I know that he was that one special person God had called to be my soulmate,and dad to my boys. Well we are now married and he has adopted the boys.It is a long story and one day I will share it. But today is not that day.
We have been married a little over two months and life is great, we have been sick alot and but it has been a grand adventure!! We are moving in three months to Chicago to start a church and I cannot wait! I planned a totally different post one in which I started blogging about the move and preparations. I had all sorts of plans and ideas and still do, but I realized after those last two posts I HAD to fill in some gaps. I am beyond excited and cannot wait for what the future holds
In my last two posts, I mentioned a guy. In one I called him my "in it to win it buddy" little did I know that he was that one special person God had called to be my soulmate,and dad to my boys. Well we are now married and he has adopted the boys.It is a long story and one day I will share it. But today is not that day.
We have been married a little over two months and life is great, we have been sick alot and but it has been a grand adventure!! We are moving in three months to Chicago to start a church and I cannot wait! I planned a totally different post one in which I started blogging about the move and preparations. I had all sorts of plans and ideas and still do, but I realized after those last two posts I HAD to fill in some gaps. I am beyond excited and cannot wait for what the future holds
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Changing
Change. It is one thing you can always count on. I'm not going to tell you that change is always a wonderful thing, hard at first but ending up all sunshine and daisies. Because often change comes and it is gut wrenching and painful but I will tell you that change can be wonderful.
I remember somewhere around 8 or 10 being blissfully happy and just being me when someone I don't remember who changed me, they made me feel as if who I was, was not good enough for them. That was the day I decided that for people to like me I had to first figure out who they wanted me to be and then be that person. I quickly learned that I was gonna have to be a quick change artist. So when I met knew people I would say and do little else but study them so I would know how to proceed. I became really good at making people think I was happy and had it all together as well. I was anything but. As a result of all of this not many people ever saw the real me and as of today 28 years later I can count those people on one hand. Last week after approximately 28 years I sat that little girl down and said enough is enough. I was having that " someone please look really closely, I need someone to see I am dying inside" moment when the Lord said I see, I know and you know. So what are You gonna do about it. Me? But God I'm just trying to keep the peace and not offend or shock anyone. I'm trying to be what they need me to be. Silence. Someone interrupted my internal dialog to tell me that I could not be friends with a guy because I was single and that he will get the wrong idea. That irked me. That night I said ok I'm done... Without realizing it I said aloud I have to be me or I will die. I might offend some people, I may loose some people and if so that is on them. No I am not changing into some other person. No I am not loosing who I am. No I am not backsliding. I am being who I created to be, I am being me. I am being who I am in God. Now I do realize there is a time and place for everything and that there will be times I will have to pull this perfected skill out and use it. But for now... I'm just happy discovering me.
If I could leave you with one piece of advice it is this... Never be afraid to be you. If someone makes you feel like you are not good enough,know it is their problem it is all about them not yours or about you!
BE YOU!
I remember somewhere around 8 or 10 being blissfully happy and just being me when someone I don't remember who changed me, they made me feel as if who I was, was not good enough for them. That was the day I decided that for people to like me I had to first figure out who they wanted me to be and then be that person. I quickly learned that I was gonna have to be a quick change artist. So when I met knew people I would say and do little else but study them so I would know how to proceed. I became really good at making people think I was happy and had it all together as well. I was anything but. As a result of all of this not many people ever saw the real me and as of today 28 years later I can count those people on one hand. Last week after approximately 28 years I sat that little girl down and said enough is enough. I was having that " someone please look really closely, I need someone to see I am dying inside" moment when the Lord said I see, I know and you know. So what are You gonna do about it. Me? But God I'm just trying to keep the peace and not offend or shock anyone. I'm trying to be what they need me to be. Silence. Someone interrupted my internal dialog to tell me that I could not be friends with a guy because I was single and that he will get the wrong idea. That irked me. That night I said ok I'm done... Without realizing it I said aloud I have to be me or I will die. I might offend some people, I may loose some people and if so that is on them. No I am not changing into some other person. No I am not loosing who I am. No I am not backsliding. I am being who I created to be, I am being me. I am being who I am in God. Now I do realize there is a time and place for everything and that there will be times I will have to pull this perfected skill out and use it. But for now... I'm just happy discovering me.
If I could leave you with one piece of advice it is this... Never be afraid to be you. If someone makes you feel like you are not good enough,know it is their problem it is all about them not yours or about you!
BE YOU!
Friday, June 24, 2016
When you feel you're not enough
I'm really not great at this but if I don't get it all out I may just implode. I am a single mom of two (now teenage ) boys. I wasn't always, or was I? Yes my late ex was there physically but never present in our lives. That is unless it was vacation time. He sucked at everyday life but the man rocked vacations. He came to life, was kind, loving, tons of fun, affectionate and made the drive as fun as the destination. All things he was not during day to day.
He finally left us physically almost six years and never looked back; almost a year ago we found out he had died two years prior. So now that you have a brief history I'll get to subject.
I have tried to plan fun vacations every year but now that my boys are 15&13 I see more and more how much they need a dad, how much they want one. This mini vacation from the planning I have felt so less than adequate, not enough, lacking. I wonder do single dad's raising their kids feel this way? Yes I know on some level every mother feels that way. But being the sole decision maker for life, and not just one life but three is daunting on a good day. It was pointed out to me that I didn't have to be single if I wasn't so picky. But I have to be. Don't I? I mean after all the man I date will affect them even if it doesn't get to point of a meeting, and if it should I have to be reasonably sure it is worth the risk of potential loss for them. Aye too much world for these shoulders!
So we are in one of our favorite spots and they want to do something they never do; they want to talk about him! For the youngest it was more of a "I don't remember much will you remind me" and for the oldest... Well he exploded like a shook up soda can with vacation memories and a few bad everyday life memories. Talk about salt in the wound?!
But I reached out secretly for prayer for wisdom, did something I had gotten very good at during our 12 years of marriage, I bottled up every feeling I had about the man, smiled and filled in blanks and told happy stories. The rest of the night I struggled to stay present and to feel anything. I woke up with tears streaming down my face so I turned to this blog.
Am I enough? Do I give them what they need? How can I, I am a woman they need both? Will they be ok? Will they be good men? I can't teach them how to be men. I just want to wrapped in strong arms and be told it will be ok. But I am alone! Utterly alone! Yes I am a Christian and I have God, he is always with me. Yes I have parents. Parents who have married almost 45 years and most times act like giddy teenagers. How can I be enough when I pour everything I have into others? I talk to people and sometimes I silently scream "look past my smile, really look at me. Don't you see the pain in my eyes?"
But it is just me and I will continue to fake it till I make it. I will continue to be all I can be for my boys and others. I mean I have no choice; I Have to be enough.
He finally left us physically almost six years and never looked back; almost a year ago we found out he had died two years prior. So now that you have a brief history I'll get to subject.
I have tried to plan fun vacations every year but now that my boys are 15&13 I see more and more how much they need a dad, how much they want one. This mini vacation from the planning I have felt so less than adequate, not enough, lacking. I wonder do single dad's raising their kids feel this way? Yes I know on some level every mother feels that way. But being the sole decision maker for life, and not just one life but three is daunting on a good day. It was pointed out to me that I didn't have to be single if I wasn't so picky. But I have to be. Don't I? I mean after all the man I date will affect them even if it doesn't get to point of a meeting, and if it should I have to be reasonably sure it is worth the risk of potential loss for them. Aye too much world for these shoulders!
So we are in one of our favorite spots and they want to do something they never do; they want to talk about him! For the youngest it was more of a "I don't remember much will you remind me" and for the oldest... Well he exploded like a shook up soda can with vacation memories and a few bad everyday life memories. Talk about salt in the wound?!
But I reached out secretly for prayer for wisdom, did something I had gotten very good at during our 12 years of marriage, I bottled up every feeling I had about the man, smiled and filled in blanks and told happy stories. The rest of the night I struggled to stay present and to feel anything. I woke up with tears streaming down my face so I turned to this blog.
Am I enough? Do I give them what they need? How can I, I am a woman they need both? Will they be ok? Will they be good men? I can't teach them how to be men. I just want to wrapped in strong arms and be told it will be ok. But I am alone! Utterly alone! Yes I am a Christian and I have God, he is always with me. Yes I have parents. Parents who have married almost 45 years and most times act like giddy teenagers. How can I be enough when I pour everything I have into others? I talk to people and sometimes I silently scream "look past my smile, really look at me. Don't you see the pain in my eyes?"
But it is just me and I will continue to fake it till I make it. I will continue to be all I can be for my boys and others. I mean I have no choice; I Have to be enough.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Time
I am coming up the five year anniversary of the end of my marriage and consequently the anniversary of my marriage. The last two years I had quite forgotten about the date and whole ordeal. It was nearly two months later that someone said something that reminded me. This year however I have had it foremost in my mind.
In the begging of the end, I was not at all sure I would ever sleep again, ever have a day without a massive headache and chest pains, which I later discovered was a mini stroke. God healed me and brought me through, that is another story for a later time. After my time in the hospital and deciding I had to reduce my stress, I left my house took my boys and moved to the country in a nice little apartment. One day when the boys were being extra difficult and struggling themselves with loss, I rediscovered two things my turbulent marriage had buried. Two things that I loved...1. walking and 2. the rain. It was also the first warm rain of an unusually hot spring, so I told them get their old shoes on and come with me...my then 10 and 8 year old sons were puzzled and full of questions. Up to that point I had spent much time inside and with a dimly lit house, doing only what I had to. We went into the rain, they had so many questions but when I finally made it clear to them they gave all their boyish energy and vigor to the rain, they ran, played, laughed, and as I stood in the middle of my driveway barefoot, soaking wet and looking heavenward with my eyes closed I quieted my mind, listened and silently let the tears flow. Their laughter mixed with the rain and washed my heart with peace and I was happy. I had found my therapy so many said I needed. Then to their surprise and enjoyment I joined in, we splashed in puddles, laid on the wet grass to see who could look into the rain the longest. Then we walked and talked and planned. My parents had moved into the same complex and we walked down to their apartment soaking wet and laughing. More times than I can count in the first two years we dashed out quickly into the rain as often as possible. It became an escape for me, on bad days when I barely made it to the boys' bedtime, it became a time to go out after they were tucked in and let the rain wash away all the bad, ugly and sad. It became a time of prayer and healing. Tonight I was in the middle of redoing my closet and toward the end of a very rough day and week, and it began to rain. SO I went to the door to let the dog out and instinctively my 12 year old followed closely behind, I stepped out the door and he immediately got excited and asked if he could come with me, we got oldest brother and out we went, they ran, played and I sat on a swing. And my heart was once again at peace. My youngest is in that 12th year war with life and any who dare to discipline and seems to have a permanent bad attitude, came in happy and for the night all is well in the house.
I am not sure however why I have the date of divorce and marriage so much in mind, I know He knows why and has a purpose for it.
So the next time you hear it rain, throw caution to the wind and dance in the rain, or at least walk out, stand and just breathe. Let the rain wash away all the hurt, cares, worries, and stress of the day.
Jeremiah 29:11
In the begging of the end, I was not at all sure I would ever sleep again, ever have a day without a massive headache and chest pains, which I later discovered was a mini stroke. God healed me and brought me through, that is another story for a later time. After my time in the hospital and deciding I had to reduce my stress, I left my house took my boys and moved to the country in a nice little apartment. One day when the boys were being extra difficult and struggling themselves with loss, I rediscovered two things my turbulent marriage had buried. Two things that I loved...1. walking and 2. the rain. It was also the first warm rain of an unusually hot spring, so I told them get their old shoes on and come with me...my then 10 and 8 year old sons were puzzled and full of questions. Up to that point I had spent much time inside and with a dimly lit house, doing only what I had to. We went into the rain, they had so many questions but when I finally made it clear to them they gave all their boyish energy and vigor to the rain, they ran, played, laughed, and as I stood in the middle of my driveway barefoot, soaking wet and looking heavenward with my eyes closed I quieted my mind, listened and silently let the tears flow. Their laughter mixed with the rain and washed my heart with peace and I was happy. I had found my therapy so many said I needed. Then to their surprise and enjoyment I joined in, we splashed in puddles, laid on the wet grass to see who could look into the rain the longest. Then we walked and talked and planned. My parents had moved into the same complex and we walked down to their apartment soaking wet and laughing. More times than I can count in the first two years we dashed out quickly into the rain as often as possible. It became an escape for me, on bad days when I barely made it to the boys' bedtime, it became a time to go out after they were tucked in and let the rain wash away all the bad, ugly and sad. It became a time of prayer and healing. Tonight I was in the middle of redoing my closet and toward the end of a very rough day and week, and it began to rain. SO I went to the door to let the dog out and instinctively my 12 year old followed closely behind, I stepped out the door and he immediately got excited and asked if he could come with me, we got oldest brother and out we went, they ran, played and I sat on a swing. And my heart was once again at peace. My youngest is in that 12th year war with life and any who dare to discipline and seems to have a permanent bad attitude, came in happy and for the night all is well in the house.
I am not sure however why I have the date of divorce and marriage so much in mind, I know He knows why and has a purpose for it.
So the next time you hear it rain, throw caution to the wind and dance in the rain, or at least walk out, stand and just breathe. Let the rain wash away all the hurt, cares, worries, and stress of the day.
Jeremiah 29:11
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Today is Father's day. I am so blessed to have an amazing one, who is not a perfect man but is perfect for me. My dad is awesome and I have enjoyed this day with him. But the day is bittersweet. I am a re-singled mother of two amazing boys. A sweet woman who has been in my shoes wished me a Happy Father's day since I fill both rolls. But oh how I wish my boys new the unconditional love of an earthly dad. They have known so much loss, you see my boys have already lost a set of parents. And on adoption day I had no idea that when we promised to love these boys and cherish them as children born to us that I was the only one who meant it. He stood there promising to do something he never intended to or wanted to. He left us four years ago and never looked back, my dad tries to fill in and help where he can but he is Pappa not daddy. I pray God sends us a man that will step up and be daddy to my boys.
Christian men there is a whole world of single mothers and fatherless children that need you to step up and fill in the gap, not necessarily as husbands but as role models and mentors. There are so many times a boy needs a dad and so many times that their heart is silently breaking because they are the one without a man in their lives to do things with when all their friends are talking. They are constantly looking for something to fill the void that not having a dad leaves. Most times this leads to bad choices and trouble. Men of the church we need you!!! We need you to stop thinking someone else will do it or thinking that we are going to try to trap you into marriage or take your interest the wrong way. We need you to stand up and show our boys how to be men. There are many things we as single mothers can do BUT we cannot teach them to be men, we cannot show them how to be good men and fathers. Please take a moment or twelve if you must and pray about stepping into a young man's life today.
Christian men there is a whole world of single mothers and fatherless children that need you to step up and fill in the gap, not necessarily as husbands but as role models and mentors. There are so many times a boy needs a dad and so many times that their heart is silently breaking because they are the one without a man in their lives to do things with when all their friends are talking. They are constantly looking for something to fill the void that not having a dad leaves. Most times this leads to bad choices and trouble. Men of the church we need you!!! We need you to stop thinking someone else will do it or thinking that we are going to try to trap you into marriage or take your interest the wrong way. We need you to stand up and show our boys how to be men. There are many things we as single mothers can do BUT we cannot teach them to be men, we cannot show them how to be good men and fathers. Please take a moment or twelve if you must and pray about stepping into a young man's life today.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Year, New Goals!!
Last year (2013) was not the awesome year I had hoped for. We as a family made great strides and there were some awesome changes as well as not so great ones.
I had all of these big plans (notice the underlined I). My kids will tell you that the year was fun and exciting, God did make a way for us to go on two lovely vacations on the very limited budget of a single mom baby sitting for a living. But most all of MY plans fell flat and left me feeling like a total failure. My boys didn't see me that way, neither did my parents, friends and most importantly God. What God did see was a His daughter thinking she could make grand plans on her own, who thought she didn't need to ask His wisdom and guidance in making these choices.
So this year He is involved in every choice, decision and plan. I also home school both of my boys and He is helping me. This is the first of what I hope will be many blogs.
Hugs and Prayers!!
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