Change. It is one thing you can always count on. I'm not going to tell you that change is always a wonderful thing, hard at first but ending up all sunshine and daisies. Because often change comes and it is gut wrenching and painful but I will tell you that change can be wonderful.
I remember somewhere around 8 or 10 being blissfully happy and just being me when someone I don't remember who changed me, they made me feel as if who I was, was not good enough for them. That was the day I decided that for people to like me I had to first figure out who they wanted me to be and then be that person. I quickly learned that I was gonna have to be a quick change artist. So when I met knew people I would say and do little else but study them so I would know how to proceed. I became really good at making people think I was happy and had it all together as well. I was anything but. As a result of all of this not many people ever saw the real me and as of today 28 years later I can count those people on one hand. Last week after approximately 28 years I sat that little girl down and said enough is enough. I was having that " someone please look really closely, I need someone to see I am dying inside" moment when the Lord said I see, I know and you know. So what are You gonna do about it. Me? But God I'm just trying to keep the peace and not offend or shock anyone. I'm trying to be what they need me to be. Silence. Someone interrupted my internal dialog to tell me that I could not be friends with a guy because I was single and that he will get the wrong idea. That irked me. That night I said ok I'm done... Without realizing it I said aloud I have to be me or I will die. I might offend some people, I may loose some people and if so that is on them. No I am not changing into some other person. No I am not loosing who I am. No I am not backsliding. I am being who I created to be, I am being me. I am being who I am in God. Now I do realize there is a time and place for everything and that there will be times I will have to pull this perfected skill out and use it. But for now... I'm just happy discovering me.
If I could leave you with one piece of advice it is this... Never be afraid to be you. If someone makes you feel like you are not good enough,know it is their problem it is all about them not yours or about you!
BE YOU!
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Friday, June 24, 2016
When you feel you're not enough
I'm really not great at this but if I don't get it all out I may just implode. I am a single mom of two (now teenage ) boys. I wasn't always, or was I? Yes my late ex was there physically but never present in our lives. That is unless it was vacation time. He sucked at everyday life but the man rocked vacations. He came to life, was kind, loving, tons of fun, affectionate and made the drive as fun as the destination. All things he was not during day to day.
He finally left us physically almost six years and never looked back; almost a year ago we found out he had died two years prior. So now that you have a brief history I'll get to subject.
I have tried to plan fun vacations every year but now that my boys are 15&13 I see more and more how much they need a dad, how much they want one. This mini vacation from the planning I have felt so less than adequate, not enough, lacking. I wonder do single dad's raising their kids feel this way? Yes I know on some level every mother feels that way. But being the sole decision maker for life, and not just one life but three is daunting on a good day. It was pointed out to me that I didn't have to be single if I wasn't so picky. But I have to be. Don't I? I mean after all the man I date will affect them even if it doesn't get to point of a meeting, and if it should I have to be reasonably sure it is worth the risk of potential loss for them. Aye too much world for these shoulders!
So we are in one of our favorite spots and they want to do something they never do; they want to talk about him! For the youngest it was more of a "I don't remember much will you remind me" and for the oldest... Well he exploded like a shook up soda can with vacation memories and a few bad everyday life memories. Talk about salt in the wound?!
But I reached out secretly for prayer for wisdom, did something I had gotten very good at during our 12 years of marriage, I bottled up every feeling I had about the man, smiled and filled in blanks and told happy stories. The rest of the night I struggled to stay present and to feel anything. I woke up with tears streaming down my face so I turned to this blog.
Am I enough? Do I give them what they need? How can I, I am a woman they need both? Will they be ok? Will they be good men? I can't teach them how to be men. I just want to wrapped in strong arms and be told it will be ok. But I am alone! Utterly alone! Yes I am a Christian and I have God, he is always with me. Yes I have parents. Parents who have married almost 45 years and most times act like giddy teenagers. How can I be enough when I pour everything I have into others? I talk to people and sometimes I silently scream "look past my smile, really look at me. Don't you see the pain in my eyes?"
But it is just me and I will continue to fake it till I make it. I will continue to be all I can be for my boys and others. I mean I have no choice; I Have to be enough.
He finally left us physically almost six years and never looked back; almost a year ago we found out he had died two years prior. So now that you have a brief history I'll get to subject.
I have tried to plan fun vacations every year but now that my boys are 15&13 I see more and more how much they need a dad, how much they want one. This mini vacation from the planning I have felt so less than adequate, not enough, lacking. I wonder do single dad's raising their kids feel this way? Yes I know on some level every mother feels that way. But being the sole decision maker for life, and not just one life but three is daunting on a good day. It was pointed out to me that I didn't have to be single if I wasn't so picky. But I have to be. Don't I? I mean after all the man I date will affect them even if it doesn't get to point of a meeting, and if it should I have to be reasonably sure it is worth the risk of potential loss for them. Aye too much world for these shoulders!
So we are in one of our favorite spots and they want to do something they never do; they want to talk about him! For the youngest it was more of a "I don't remember much will you remind me" and for the oldest... Well he exploded like a shook up soda can with vacation memories and a few bad everyday life memories. Talk about salt in the wound?!
But I reached out secretly for prayer for wisdom, did something I had gotten very good at during our 12 years of marriage, I bottled up every feeling I had about the man, smiled and filled in blanks and told happy stories. The rest of the night I struggled to stay present and to feel anything. I woke up with tears streaming down my face so I turned to this blog.
Am I enough? Do I give them what they need? How can I, I am a woman they need both? Will they be ok? Will they be good men? I can't teach them how to be men. I just want to wrapped in strong arms and be told it will be ok. But I am alone! Utterly alone! Yes I am a Christian and I have God, he is always with me. Yes I have parents. Parents who have married almost 45 years and most times act like giddy teenagers. How can I be enough when I pour everything I have into others? I talk to people and sometimes I silently scream "look past my smile, really look at me. Don't you see the pain in my eyes?"
But it is just me and I will continue to fake it till I make it. I will continue to be all I can be for my boys and others. I mean I have no choice; I Have to be enough.
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