I'm really not great at this but if I don't get it all out I may just implode. I am a single mom of two (now teenage ) boys. I wasn't always, or was I? Yes my late ex was there physically but never present in our lives. That is unless it was vacation time. He sucked at everyday life but the man rocked vacations. He came to life, was kind, loving, tons of fun, affectionate and made the drive as fun as the destination. All things he was not during day to day.
He finally left us physically almost six years and never looked back; almost a year ago we found out he had died two years prior. So now that you have a brief history I'll get to subject.
I have tried to plan fun vacations every year but now that my boys are 15&13 I see more and more how much they need a dad, how much they want one. This mini vacation from the planning I have felt so less than adequate, not enough, lacking. I wonder do single dad's raising their kids feel this way? Yes I know on some level every mother feels that way. But being the sole decision maker for life, and not just one life but three is daunting on a good day. It was pointed out to me that I didn't have to be single if I wasn't so picky. But I have to be. Don't I? I mean after all the man I date will affect them even if it doesn't get to point of a meeting, and if it should I have to be reasonably sure it is worth the risk of potential loss for them. Aye too much world for these shoulders!
So we are in one of our favorite spots and they want to do something they never do; they want to talk about him! For the youngest it was more of a "I don't remember much will you remind me" and for the oldest... Well he exploded like a shook up soda can with vacation memories and a few bad everyday life memories. Talk about salt in the wound?!
But I reached out secretly for prayer for wisdom, did something I had gotten very good at during our 12 years of marriage, I bottled up every feeling I had about the man, smiled and filled in blanks and told happy stories. The rest of the night I struggled to stay present and to feel anything. I woke up with tears streaming down my face so I turned to this blog.
Am I enough? Do I give them what they need? How can I, I am a woman they need both? Will they be ok? Will they be good men? I can't teach them how to be men. I just want to wrapped in strong arms and be told it will be ok. But I am alone! Utterly alone! Yes I am a Christian and I have God, he is always with me. Yes I have parents. Parents who have married almost 45 years and most times act like giddy teenagers. How can I be enough when I pour everything I have into others? I talk to people and sometimes I silently scream "look past my smile, really look at me. Don't you see the pain in my eyes?"
But it is just me and I will continue to fake it till I make it. I will continue to be all I can be for my boys and others. I mean I have no choice; I Have to be enough.
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